By Denis J. Borges
People will put up with a lot when they love somebody. They will make excuses, accept apologies and convince themselves that this time things will be different.
But nobody should have to sit in their own driveway wondering what kind of mood is waiting for them inside their house.
Domestic violence is something we need to talk about honestly. It happens behind doors that look perfectly normal from the street. A couple can smile together in public while one of them lives in fear at home.
And this message is for both women and men.
To the women reading this, being married to someone, having children together or depending on their income does not give that person the right to hurt you. You do not owe anybody another opportunity to put their hands on you. Years invested in a relationship do not obligate you to spend the rest of your life afraid.
To the men reading this, the same applies to you. You do not have to accept being hit, threatened or controlled because you are a man. Being embarrassed to report it is understandable, but your safety matters more than somebody else’s opinion. Asking for help does not make you weak. And being a man does not make you less of a victim.
An argument does not give either person permission to become violent. Jealousy is no excuse. Alcohol is no excuse. Neither is, “They made me mad.”
You are responsible for what you do with your hands, your words and your weapons.
Mississippi law carries real consequences. Simple domestic violence can result in up to six months in jail, a fine of up to $500, or both. A qualifying third offense, with two prior domestic violence convictions within seven years, can become a felony carrying five to 10 years in prison. Aggravated domestic violence carries two to 20 years in prison and includes strangling or attempting to strangle a qualifying family or dating partner. The charge and sentence depend on the facts and criminal history. (Justia Law)
These are consequences people need to understand before they decide to hurt someone.
And jail time is not the only consequence.
A qualifying misdemeanor domestic violence conviction can also affect a person’s right to possess firearms or ammunition under federal law. The federal prohibition applies when the conviction meets the requirements of federal law, and there are specific exceptions and circumstances that can affect how the prohibition applies. Violating a federal firearm prohibition can carry serious criminal penalties. (ATF)
People need to understand how far the consequences can follow them.
The consequences also reach beyond the person arrested.
There are children listening from another room. There are relatives getting a phone call in the middle of the night. There is somebody trying to go to work the next morning and pretend everything is fine.
Think about what children are learning when they watch one parent hurt the other.
Think about what they hear when threats are followed by apologies, then more threats.
Children deserve a home where they can sleep without worrying about what might happen before morning.
Some people stay because they love the person. Some stay because they are afraid. Others have nowhere to go, no money of their own or children they are trying to protect.
We should take those concerns seriously.
Standing outside somebody’s situation and saying, “I would have left,” does nothing to help them.
My message is that you deserve safety, and you deserve help getting there.
Leaving may take planning. Reach out, when it is safe, to a trusted person or a domestic violence advocate. Work out where you can go and how to protect yourself and your children.
Help is available while you are still in the relationship, while you are preparing to leave and after you leave.
You do not have to figure it all out alone.
For family and friends, be somebody that person can turn to. Listen without humiliating them. Offer practical help.
If they return to the relationship, keep the door open.
Shame can make it even harder for them to reach out the next time they need you.
For the person committing the abuse, take responsibility. Get help and stop making someone else pay for your anger.
An apology means very little when the same person has to keep recovering from what you do.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for support and safety planning. You can also text START to 88788 or use the hotline’s online chat. Women and men can reach out for help. (The Hotline)
You can love somebody and still need to get away from them.
You can wish them well without giving them continued access to hurt you.
Everybody deserves to make it home safely.
Everybody also deserves to be safe once they get there.
Denis J. Borges
