By Drs. James and Natasha King, D.Ent. (h.c.)
Get back to prioritizing date night.
By priority, we mean more than simply finding a night when both of you happen to be available. Priority requires a certain degree of preparation and anticipation. It means pausing long enough to ask, What does my spouse need from me in this moment?
Marriage requires us to keep learning each other.
There are seasons when your spouse may need conversation. Other times, they may need rest, affection, encouragement, laughter or simply your undivided attention. A meaningful date gives you an opportunity to cater to each other while also expressing what you need.
And that part matters.
Desires that are not expressed often become mismanaged expectations.
You may have imagined a quiet evening together while your spouse planned something completely different. Neither person necessarily did anything wrong, but both can leave disappointed because the expectation was never communicated.
Date night should not become another place where we expect our spouse to read our minds. Instead, let it become a place where we practice knowing, communicating and serving one another.
One way to make date night more intentional is to consider the five love languages and create experiences that speak directly to the way your spouse receives love.
Words of Affirmation
Make the date an opportunity to speak life.
Instead of simply going to dinner, write your spouse a letter and read it to them. Tell them what you admire about who they have become, what you appreciate about their contribution to your family and what you are looking forward to experiencing together.
Go somewhere meaningful to your relationship and tell the story of that season. Sometimes the most romantic thing you can give someone is language for the love they already mean to you.
Acts of Service
Plan a date where your spouse does not have to manage anything.
Make the reservations. Handle the transportation. Prepare the meal. Take care of the details. Perhaps the date begins with your spouse coming home to find that everything has already been arranged.
The point is not the expense. The point is relief.
Ask yourself, What could I take off my spouse’s plate tonight? Then make that part of the date.
Receiving Gifts
Create a date around thoughtful discovery.
Visit a bookstore and choose a book for each other. Stop by a favorite shop and select something that reminds you of your spouse. Create a small collection of meaningful things from places you have visited together.
The gift doesn’t have to be expensive. It should communicate, I saw this, and I thought of you.
Thoughtfulness is often the real gift.
Quality Time
Remove the distractions.
Put the phones away. Leave the television off. Take a long drive. Sit somewhere beautiful and talk. Cook together. Play a game. Take a walk and ask each other questions you haven’t asked in a while.
Don’t just spend time in the same room. Be present in the same moment.
Quality time is not measured by how long the date lasts. It is experienced through attention.
Physical Touch
Create an atmosphere where affection is intentional and unhurried.
Take a couples’ massage. Dance together in the living room. Hold hands during dinner. Take a walk with your arms around each other. Recreate your first dance or simply spend an evening enjoying physical closeness without rushing toward the next thing.
Affection communicates safety, connection and desire.
Be mindful not to present another activity to your spouse if that’s not what he or she needs. They need to feel close to you.
Make Date Night Personal Again
The goal isn’t to perfectly execute a love-language formula. The goal is to pay attention.
Ask your spouse, What would make you feel loved right now? What have you been needing from me? What would make this season feel lighter, sweeter or more connected?
Then listen.
Your spouse may tell you something different than they told you last year.
That’s not a problem. That’s marriage.
Understand that people, seasons and needs change. Healthy marriages continue to discover one another.
So get back to date night.
Prepare for it. Anticipate it. Talk about it. Protect it.
Quality time is intentionally given to each other.
